When Grief Shows Up…

Apr 26

There are days when grief hits out of nowhere; it blind-sides me.

There are other days when it makes me smile through tears as I reminisce.

This year grief took me an unexpected route. It made me angry…

Not angry at anything in particular. I wasn’t feeling angry that my mom passed away or how it happened so suddenly…there was a time for that anger.

This was a heaviness…an irritation in my body that I could not shake. I wanted to be alone and felt prickly toward anyone who was crossed my path. I even got mad at my grocery cart.

I knew it wasn’t personal so I tried my best to keep my mouth shut but my body still gave off the energy of irritation and being closed off. ‘DON’T COME A STEP CLOSER!’ was what my heart was saying.

I felt tired. REALLY tired.

I asked the Holy Spirit to show me what I was so angry about but no particular memory or word came up.

I just felt him saying, 'GRACE’. ‘Grace daughter…give yourself grace to be angry for no specific reason. Don’t try to fix it or smile it away…just feel it.’

I normally prepare better for this anniversary. I should have carved out some alone time in the day to process my emotions. I should have planned IN some good self-care.

But I didn’t.

I just plowed along like any other Monday with no additional child care and lots of time running from carpool to carpool feeling like a reed whipping back & forth in anger’s forceful winds.

Finally after a long day, with kids tucked in bed, the let-down came.

I confessed the angry pain to my husband- which he was obviously very aware of but didn’t push me to explain during the day.

I cried.

He gave me a letter filled with words of love and knowingness that I really needed to hear.

I cried some more.

And then, I went to bed.

See sometimes grief shows up the way you expect it to. Sometimes it doesn’t.

Maybe the tears everyone expect to flow aren’t there and you think there must be something wrong with you.

Maybe you feel tired in your body but don’t realize it’s grief causing it.

Maybe you feel cloaked in anger for a reason you can’t pin down.

Whatever it is, it’s OK. There’s no right way to do it, just to go through it.

Grief is a real and necessary part of our mind, body and spiritual healing.

It’s a part of how we were created.

It’s the truest form of love because it shows how deeply you loved. You long for that person, that time, that thing back.

We find grief in big and little things. I grieve the little nuances of my kids as I see them growing up faster than I’d like. I grieve this season even as I anticipate the incredible adults they will be.

It’s been 5 years since my mother passed away but the hole in my being is still there. It changed my life forever in an instant. I had to learn that grief is not a thing that goes away. It’s a process that’s not linear.

There are beautiful gifts in the journey. God is waiting in the depths of our despair to sit in the pit with us and shine His light on those areas that feel unbearable.

And when it’s time to stand up and climb out, He’ll hold your hand. He’s so kind to allow us to grieve in layers, inviting us to go deeper in the healing journey with time.

I don’t know why I felt the anger this year but after talking it out, crying it out, resting, and moving my body, I feel back to myself today.

If you’re in grief, don’t push it away. Accept it- ALL of it, ESPECIALLY the uncomfortable parts that you’d rather rush or avoid.

Feel it. Be angry. Be sad.

Talk about it with trusted friends.

Most of all take it to God. Let Him shine his healing light on those dark places. The grief is part of your journey toward restoration and greater revelation of who He created you to be.

Take these scriptures to hold onto and read over yourself:

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. - Psalm 34:18

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. - Matthew 5:4